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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   Hi my name don't matter actually. I've been using meth for over 5 years now, I believe, not sure. When you put venom in your body and soul, meth, time seems to be confusing. I had just separated from my highschool sweet heart after being with him for years and years, two children and numerous beatings. I had to work two jobs and school and kids all by my self. I was running on empty and my self esteem was so low it was no longer there. My "friend" of 15 years introduced me to this venom, it was to give me energy and loose all the weight that my ex so much humiliated me for. I did loose weight and had energy. I also lost my home, I gave up my kids, I lost everything. I prefer my children to be distance from me so they don't know what this hell is like. my son has autisim and my ex blames me for it. I didn't touch drugs, a cigarrette or even a beer untill I was 24 years old, my son was born when I was 21 how can I be blame or is it my fault?
--Carla

My Husband Of 34 Years Left Me 4 Meth & a Sasquatch!
    Have been married for 34 years to a wonderful man until the "EVIL WICKED DEVIL MONSTER ~ METH" hold of him! He was a truck driver when I met him at 18 and I fell in love with him! I turned 19 in Sedalia, MO and have been with him since then! He was a loving husband and a wonderful father and then a great Papaw but it all changed when he met "THE DEVIL" ! We eventually bought our own Semi and I stayed at home waiting for him to come home! He was a faithful husband and we were blessed with 3 beautiful children and then blessed again with 6 grandchildren! I honestly and truelly didn't know a thing about Meth ~ oh, we did our fair share of drugs before the kids came along ~ I never smoked pot ~ didn't like it ~ to me it was the same as smoking ~ I didn't like inhaling smoke into my body! But I loved Cocaine ~ so I'm not saying I was a saint! But, once I had my daughter it all changed and I didn't do drugs anymore I drank a bit but I grew up with an alcoholic father and never took up drinking! My husband quit smoking after I came home from a school event where my 6 year old daughter announced to the whole room full of Mothers and teacher that "her Daddy smoked sometimes" some of the Mothers found it amusing because they knew exactly what she was talking about (pot) but when I told him it made him upset and he quit! Any time the truck broke down I ran to wherever he was ~ Madisonville, KY, Detroit, MI and of course here in Ohio. I took my kids with me and they learned to play wherever we were. I did so many things for him in the trucking industry that it wasn't funny. After my youngest got in 6th grade I went to work as a Dispatcher for trucks. I learned the trade and worked my way up the ladder. I was making $650 a week back in 1998 ~ fantastic money back then and even now but I lost that job when freight went down! But, I raised my children by myself basically and did a damn good job!
    I didn't find out he was using Meth until about 4 years ago when he started changing but I didn't know what it was in the beginning. I couldn't understand why he was hiding it from me though until he moved out for a year and was staying in a motel that rented by the month and was also a truck stop. My sister worked at the fuel desk and was doing the Meth with him. He started hanging out with a friend that was making it in his back barn ~ his wife works for the Court House of our town and she didn't even know they were making it either. Then Buffy came into the picture ~ she was a truck driver groopy ~ and a money hungry %@+%% ~ she slept with his friend while the wife was at her Grandmother's funeral in TN and while their little girl was sleeping down the hall! Then I found out she was staying in my husbands room when he was out of town (supposedly) and he was helping her out. When they closed the Motel down he came back home and I stupidly let him ~ didn't know how bad he was into Meth! Buffy got caught with a "Rolling Meth Lab" in her Mother's Suburban along with her 14 year old son (what a skank) she went to prison for a lousy 5 years! In the mean time they had been transporting Meth to Arizona via an old friend of my husbands (over 36 years) who got stopped on a routine traffic stop and they found the Meth ~ my husband and his buddy left the guy in Arizona out to dry ~ didn't help at all. I was ashamed of him ~ even though the guy never ratted on them ~ the one guy sold his Harley gave away his old pick up and used his car hauler. No money sent to the guy in Prison! That's when I started realizing how bad things might be!
    In Feb 2009 I had a mild Heart Attack and was put in the hospital immediately ~ my husband had to come home from Gary, Indiana and wasn't happy about it ~ he was wired for sound and kept kicking my bed and sitting beside my oldest daughter and playing with her hair (or so he thought) when in reality he was pulling it! She sent him home to sleep ~ he stayed home for 2 days sleeping then came back when I had to have my Heart Cathader done (pretty neat thing to watch) afterwards he was back to kicking my bed, jerking around and mumbling! My Heart Attack was all "STRESS RELATED" less than 15 % blockage! Didn't phase him at all! Then in July of the same year I found out I had one tumor the size of a softball and another one the size of a golf ball on my ovaries and had to have a Hystorectomy ~ only once they got in there I had had all my children c-sections and the scar tissue was so bad that my uterus was plastered to my insides and they couldn't remove it ~ what was supposed to be a 2 1/2 hour proceedure turned into over 3 1/2 hours because of my heart attack before! My kids were scared too death but not my husband too high to notice! Once back in my room back to the same thing kicking my bed jerking around mumbling and just a spaz ~ again my daughter sent him home! My doctor felt so sorry for me he let me stay an extra day and I didn't have insurance! There was no way I could sleep in the same bed with him so I had to stay in the spare room! He could have cared less! That's when it started sinking in ~ MY HUSBAND WAS A METH ADDICT!
    On June 14th, 2010 my world was destroyed by the most disgusting person in the world! She, as I refer to her as is a SASQUATCH %@+%%! The guys had been checking into a Super 8 Motel in Portage, Indiana and partying with this %@+%% who slept with my husbands friends Jeff and Waterboy before he got the chance! This thing weighs around 350lbs and is 5'7" tall and is ugly as hell! She and some of her friends started calling me that day and letting me know things but the worst was yet to come! She tricked one of her old friends into telling me the biggest secret of all ~ she had a 2 year old son that she claimed was my husbands ~ I went to confront him and he, of course, denied it and said it could be 2 other guys! My whole world fell apart that night. Then all the secrets came out ~ he'd been using for almost 8 years and was addicted to it! He lied, and then lied some more and then even more lies and I kept believing them. Of course, this thing and I argued over the phone and text messages and so on and so forth ~ she files for a restraining order against me in Indiana ~ I had to miss a day of work, rent a motel and drive 5 1/2 hours to and from with gas being over $3 a gallion! But in the end the Judge spent 20 minutes chewing her out for wasting the Courts time! That was the 1st time I got a look at what my husband was cheating on me with ~ one of the ugliest things I've ever seen ~ she sounds like a man and looks like one too only with long blonde (3 different shades mostly yellow) hair! My daughter who was pregnant at the time was physically sick and had to run to the bathroom and throw up! My sister was mortified by what she looked like and when she sat in the chair the same size as mine she filled it completely and had both ass cheeks hanging over the sides of the chair! I on the other hand am almost 5'2" and weigh around 130lbs ~ not really fat but plump (or fluffy as my grandsons tell me)! Words cannot describe how I felt seeing this thing and listening to her lies on the stand by her Mother (who looks like the Cryptkeeper) and her sister, well to be honest the sister wouldn't outright lie for her sister! The Father wouldn't show up! I forgot to mention that my husband is 56 and her father is 51! Yep, her Daddy was not a happy camper! She still refused to leave me alone and even had one of her boyfriends who is my husbands friend call my work and try to get me fired! I finally had to file for a restraining order in my county because they were now threatening to kill me! My daughters and my son would no longer let my grandchildren spend the night with me or really come over because of these threats that they heard themselves ~ my heart was broken and my husband could only blame it on me!! This time my son got to get a look at her and the boyfriend who was named in the restraining order was there and tried to intimadate my son who is 26 but it didn't work! The Judge only had an hour to hear us and she didn't believe either her or me so it was post poned until a month later. Stupid me didn't look at the time on the order and was late (I'm sticking to that story) and it was dismissed after they had to drive down here 3 times with gas now over $3.70 a gallion, hiring a generic lawyer (that my husband provided the name and probably paid her half), missing 3 days of work all for nothing but it made me smile!
    My husband walked out on me last month ~ just left ~ didn't pay the rent or pay any bills and left me high and dry! I am in the process of moving everything by myself along with my children while he does whatever he wants without a care in the world! But, he's really hit rock bottom ~ he can't load for anyone and his truck is broke down more than it runs because he has let the maintence on it go down hill!
    In short, I've read some of the stories on here and the majority of them are my story all over! He has memory loss, he has migraines all the time, he has nothing to do with his children or his grandchildren! One of our grandson's worships the ground he walks on and thinks he can do no wrong ~ but my husband has nothing to do with him! It breaks my heart but I have to let him go ~ he doesn't answer my calls ~ he doesn't answer his kids calls except the oldest every now and then!
    METH IS AN EVIL WICKED MONSTER THAT DESTROYS LIVES AND BREAKS FAMILY'S UP ~ PLEASE DON'T LET SOMEONE CON YOU INTO BELIEVING ANY DIFFERENT!! AT 51 YEARS OLD I AM TRYING TO REBUILD MY LIFE WITHOUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ~ THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO! HE'S GONE ~ LOST TO SOMETHING I CAN'T CONTROL ~ HE'S CAME HOME BEFORE AND I'VE TRIED TO FIX HIM BUT THIS TIME I CAN'T FIX HIM! HE HAS DIABETE'S AND DOING METH ~ NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM THAT! I LOVE HIM AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL BUT I CAN'T LET HIM DESTROY WHAT'S LEFT OF OUR FAMILY!
    I'd like to add that he was very moody and could become violent in a heartbeat and did on several occasions ~ I say this so you understand that he is what is described as a METH ADDICT! One night he grabbed me by the back of my hair and told me to get out of his truck ~ while standing on the top step of the semi he pushed me so hard that I went flying around 5 feet and landed up against a chain link fence ~ which I think is what saved my life ~ the force of the impact would have probably broken my neck! Several times he choked me til he realized what he was doing. He pushed me out of his pick up truck in a parking lot ~ still had to go to the hospital ~ I've been in the mental ward 3 times in the past year because he made me believe it was all in my head and I was crazy! His friends stalk my Facebook and Myspace account to see what I'm doing! The new house I'm moving into is secret so he can't find me ~ I now have a gun for safety ~ only comes out at night when I'm home alone!
    I JUST WANTED MY OLD HUSBAND BACK AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! I'VE ALWAYS TOLD MY KIDS THAT HATE WAS AN AWFULLY STRONG WORD AND EMOTION BUT I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I HATE THE PEOPLE IN THIS STORY OTHER THAN MY FAMILY MEMBERS AND I HATE GARY, INDIANA AND THE PEOPLE FROM THERE! I HATE METH AND ANYONE WHO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!! THE STORIES YOU READ ON HERE ARE TRUE! NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS WOULD I HAVE IMAGINED THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME!!
--K

Crystal-Methh..
    I'm 18 years old, people that know about me using drugs say I'm an 'addict'. I feel that the word, Addict, has a very strong meaning to it. I might be wrong and probably I am an addict. Anyways, I never thought I would end up so deep in anything, specially drugs. My 'life story', so far, consist of good and bad times, just like any other family. My parents are divorced and had us when they were young. There's five of us. I have two sisters, an older one who's 19yrs. old and a younger one who's 13yrs. old and I have two younger brothers, a 16yr. old and a 4yr. old. I'm the second oldest. My mom is only 36yrs. old and she's already a grandma, I have a step dad wich has been around for 12yrs.
    Growing up for me was hard. I remember when my parents used to fight, I was only 5 years old at that time, untill they separated. My 'real' dad always kept his distance from me, I guess for the fact that I don't have his last name and because he met me when I was 6mths. old. See, I always had my family around but I feel like I grew up alone. When I was younger, I remember seeing comercials of how people were addicted to cigarettes and I used to think it was stupid, fast forward a few years and I felt their pain of having to feen. By the time i was 14 years, I had already been hospitalized twice for attempting suicide, had a number of arrests, had a therapist, I was basically the 'black' sheep in my family. They say that I just act out cus I want attention. I think that the only thing I wanted was for my family to understand that I did and still do have problems. Isint that what anybody wants, to have their family's support?? When I was 15, I got my first job. By the time I was 16, I was drinkin a bottle of vodka every night and smoking weed, to hide this pain I've been carying my whole life. By the time I was 17, I feel like I had accomplished something that not many people my age can do. I was working two jobs and was going to school, I was only 17 yrs old. I was working from 4:30am to 11:00pm. I had experimented with drugs, but when I came across 'Crystal', it was different. I felt no pain, no worries, no hate, no sadness. I felt like I was seeing the world like everyone else around me sees it. I always struggled with weight issues so just the thought of knowing that this drug makes you lose weight was the cherry on top for me. It started off occasionally, then it became a constant thing to do. I was living a "normal" life on drugs. Soon enough I started losing weight and the compliments came. Good compliments, I had never been told that I was looking good. I thought I had control over the drug but somewhere along the way, it took control over. I would buy $50 sacks for me on a daily basis. The compliments went from, "you're looking good" to "dude, you're losing a lot of weight!?". When I started smoking 'Crystal' I weight almost 300lbs. and I lost about 90lbs. weighing in at 195, I'm 6'3 so it looked like I was super skinny. Yet, I didn't care and soon enough I was left with nothing. No job, no money for drugs, my family was still there but I pushed them away. I found myself alone, left with pain and hurt, except it was worser.
    My intensions in using meth weren't bad. My intension was never to hurt my family or friends. All I wanted was too feel good about myself for once. Unfortunatelly this drug did it for me. Eventhough the high only lasted a few min, it was well worth it for me. People stoped talking to me because of me using meth, it hurts because my intensions weren't truly bad. I know I need help and I was warned not to mix drugs when you suffer from depression because you end up more fucked in the head I guess. I guess all I want is my family's support, I don't need to hear what they have to say about me. I know that this drug is messing me up everytime I do it. I feel and notice the changes. My therapist says I have an eating disorder, I'm scarred of being fat again. People tell me I still look thin, but I feel like they're just lying to me. I guess all I'm asking for is for help, I don't want this to be the cause of the end of me. I know I got myself into this, and I want to get myself out of it. Everytime I pick up sacks they seem to get fatter. My only wish is that if you're reading this and your sober, please don't try it because the bitch will drag you down. Do the right thing so you don't end up like us and to those who are fighting their battle againts meth...I wish you guys a ton of luck, we're gonna make it out this shit whole!! Good luck and God bless.
---Shawn

   My Meth story surely has just begun. My sister is 5 months pregnant, and started using just a few months before her results read, "positive". She was and still is, dating a guy who is a meth abuser himself. Imagine that. My sister has completely changed, flipped a 180 in a short amount of time. .... and I fucking miss her already. SHe has a daughter who is almost 3, and sadly the little girl is tossed between my mother, me, her father, and sometimes even my sister. We gave my sister too many chances, some of us were on board and some of us not, in wanting to get her treatment. NOW.... Christina has abused and taken advantage of us. We are ALL ON BOARD... finally. Having everyone in your family agree sometimes is half the battle. Those who have the addiction don't realize the impact they put on the entire family!!! Everyone is worried, stressing, and fighting with another. We all want what's best, and sometimes your opinion is completely different from the next person.
    Financially.... addicts can never get afloat. And those wanting to help, cannot always AFFORD to help their friend or loved one. Sometimes it would be nice to say that you didn't have to worry and that getting treatment for a loved one wasn't always so expensive and stressful.
    No matter how you look at it, it is HARD. And, it's not over yet.
    PS: Please let my sister live. Please make her understand. Missing my Sister,
--Crystal

WOW!! Life is so much better
   I was cleaning out some stuff in my garage today and ran across this letter I wrote and posted on Jul 2003 on this site... please read the following then let me tell you where I am at today . I got clean a year after I wrote that letter and my life has made a 100 % turn around!! I cried when I was reading this , tears of sadness of where I was, mixed with gladness with where I am today!! Thankyou God I never have to go there again.... I want to thank Melissa... whoever that is (one of the volunteers) for the response she wrote to me and her prayers.. I believe God heard them!!!!!!!! read below and you will see what I mean ... it was written July 15, 2003
    Hi , I am not sure why im writing this except that for some reason this morning seems awful GLOOMY... I am 38 yrs. old, mother of 2, divorced for going on 3 years now, and am in the process of losing everything i had,ie... home, car, and have not worked technically in 2 years. I am a R.N. and my life sucks............I have pretty much lost my daughter who 2 years ago decided to go live with her dad because i didnt give her enough attention...I left my husband of 9 years just on a whim.... to this day I still dont know why, except that I had gone to a party for a nurse friend who was retiring and that night i moved up to the bar to stay after most folks had left the party , within a few short minutes , from out of the blue, i relearned what ATTENTION was... the bartender was smiling, joking and seemed to enjoy my company at the bar......WOW, im still attractive? wanted? hmmmmmm, this is just too good to be true....so, i persued that attention, not while i was still living with my husband but as soon as i moved out.. What the hell was I thinking?? i still cant answer that persay, but my bet is ATTENTION=FEEL GOODAND FEEL GOOD =NO PAIN??make sense? To make a long story longer, haha, no I wont bore you with details but i will say this...It is going on 4 years since I walked out the door on a wonderful man, even though he didnt pay much physical attention to me, afterall I had gained some weight with our son, that for some reason seemed harder to lose...couldnt have been the beer, late dinners, and such. Well one more thing that you need to know, shortly after i moved out I was tired alot, work, 2 kids ALONE, AND JUST LIFE.. so a guy i had gone out with a few times had some SPEED, CRANK, PHOSPHURUS.......and i did one line...and DAMN, i could clean , wash, be productive, and not comsume too much food, IMAGINE THAT.....what do you think happened? YEP,,,, I continued and because I had a little cash from an I.R.A., and work, I had the funding to buy once or twice a larger quantity...maybe 2 ounces or so...then all the sudden, friends, friends and more friends....BOY... productive, weight loss, friends, attention.....GEE WHO WOULDNT ENJOY THAT???
    Well......let me ruin anyones illusion that drug dealing is fun or glamarous....ITS NOT. IT ROBBED ME OF MY TIME WITH CHILDREN, FAMILY, MYSELF. and they always wanted better, more, and NOW...
    I did pretty well at this for a short time, or well it seemed as though i was,,in reality , I really wasnt, because I was shopping alright, but not paying important things like RENT, ELECTRICITY, CAR PAYMENT , you know, the little things in life we call neccesities.. well as you know how this probably ends, In a 6 month period of time , i saw 6 different surrounding cities police for varous things,usually pertaining to who i was with..I totalled my car and my husband had to walk in a motel room to see me with someone....THAT almost killed me inside....HURT ME WAY MORE THAN HE WILL EVER KNOW, and I proceeded to continue down this path of DEALER OF THE YEAR...
    I think we should get credit hours for our time being this , it is by far the TOUGHEST JOB there is!! People wanting you all hours of the night and day, showing up at your home "JONES.IN" and will sell their first litter, first born or anything for a "BUMP" ,and then they will commence to telling you it sucked but they want to come get more to just be sure it does suck???? GO FIGURE THAT ONE. I am very serious about the work knowledge or credits because this is ALL PEOPLE MANAGEMENT AND FINANCIAL INVESTING , at my expense. ANYWAY, I am sitting here right now, 9:45 on July 15th fixin to be evicted for lack of rent funds, I was busted with over 4 gms. 3 weeks ago, in my own apartment...
    someone had called complaining.. my guess is irrelevant to who it was, it doesnt matter.... they came , they saw, they took and im now a pending FELON.... and to top this "GLAMOUR" life off, my car is being actively sought for reposession and I am unemployed so transportation is crucial to finding work...YA KNOW? SO , I am writing this so I CAN SEE, the losses ive experienced in the recent days.... NOT A GOOD FEELING , as a matter of fact, PRETTY DAMN LOUSY FEELIN... i could go on and on and on.. but i wont and i will just end with this...that little "snort" is a very insidious little powder or "rock" if your experiencing the new SO CALLED "ICE"... but the Little snort will take your WORLD and turn it positions youve never DREAMED of... I have not put it down, but obviously I am evaluating my LIFE for a reason, and am clearly not happy.. So , I will return to update with the LIFE FROM HELL NEWSBREAKS... say a little prayer for me if you have a extra one...THANKS FOR LISTENING..HAVE A TERRIFIC DAY...
--R.D.

I'm a recovered meth addict, and during that time I wrote a lot. This was one of my poems I wrote while comming down.

Meth

Why do I love this lye?
That loves to watch me fall?
Why do I want to cry,
When the truth is at my door.

How can this deseat,
Make everything look so crystal clear?
How come I know the truth?
But cant make my self fucking care.

What have I started? And what have I done?
To make myself this way.
Why am I fearful of what I'v become?
And yet, dont want to change.

Why do I laugh with this lye,
And rejoice its deceitful facade?
And go on disbelieving the truth,
With every honest thought.

I consume to feel complete,
And complete I truly feel
So I contiounusley consume this substance,
That makes me feel so real.

But this false reality is just an escape,
An escape so I can no longer feel,
This painful realization,
That I can no longer deal.

This reality that I am living,
When I think I have it all,
Is nothing but a lye,
But for the moment I stand so tall.

It loves to watch me crash and burn,
With a smile on my face,
And when I dont have it,
It loves to watch me hate myself,
For longing its lying embrace.

--Mary

i wrote this for my mom..

a feeling so deep down that it wont go away.
pain that will forever stay.
please talk to me,i just want to understand.
what hurt you so much that i lost my best friend?
a mothers love cant be replaced.
now im torn this truth cannot be escaped.
emotions flood my mind till i cant breathe.
sadness and anger, ive become so mean.
the light seemed so close,
but the devil pulled yu back in his ropes.
eyes swelling with tears,
loosing you my biggest fear.
i feel it creeping up,
dont wanna face it so i pretend to give up.
but i love you so much..

is there any hope?
i fuccn hate this dope
whats hurts the most is you didnt choose me.
thought our love was all you would need.
guess im wrong.
how much longer will this go on?
overwhelmed with trying to hide,
hide the pain deep inside.
tryna to keep my strength,
but its gets harder and harder the more i think.
what would you do if you were in my shoes?
wish we coudl start brand new.
didnt know it could hurt this much,
tryna move on but no such luck.
now your killing me too.
this is no longer about you.
What i wouldnt give to have my mom.
not who youve become from these drugs your on..
what happened?

--Heather